Journey to the Cailleach & The State of My Heart

A shamanic journey : “please show me the state of my heart.”

Me and Grizzly run. We run through the sky that turned to night - bright night sky filled with sparkly stars that shine like pin pricks.

Sharp.

It’s really cold. I find I’m wearing fur - wolf maybe. Boots made of leather and fur with straps that tie them onto my legs.

I bury myself down in Grizzly’s fur and almost feel like I could sleep. I can see my breath in the air as he runs and runs. Up. We’re headed up not down. He’s running on the gusts of Winter.

Then we come to a place that’s floating in the air. A vast, desert-like place, snow instead of sand. It’s almost bleak but filled with an invisible life. The edge of it falls off into space. A huge white pyramid rises up silently in the near distance. Just outside of it there’s a fire. It burns but it’s not warm.

I’m afraid in this journey. I feel fear. There’s a dark doorway into the pyramid. I go in but it doesn’t lead anywhere. I feel frustrated.

En Cailleach  is there - she’s tall - a giantess with black hair, an apron, boots and brandishing a wooden spoon. I give her a tiny pint glass of whisky and ask my question:

“Please show me the state of my heart”.

I see:

pink flowers
a rose
a tiny cage inside a heart muscle
an ice fortress melting
myself on the journey up here - wrapped in furs against the cold, wearing woollen textiles and patterns, "like your ancestors did", she says.
I look up and see the Northern lights in the sky
a tiny white winter bird, speckled brown and black, hops in the snow

I feel:

ashamed
I haven’t been practicing
why have you not been to see me sooner?
the journey is difficult - to see anything
I am doubtful it’s real, as usual
Why have you not been practicing?

It’s all here for you, if you come.

Featured art: The Hag of the Mill by Jane Brideson